We know 95 percent of you understand basic survival and firearm lingo, but for those who don’t, no need to feel stupid (maybe a little). SHTF translates to “Sh*t Hit the Fan.” So we’re looking at an apocalypse-type situation where the grid collapses and it’s every cowboy or cowgirl for themselves.
It’s always fun to think about how you’d react when the sh*t truly hits the fan. What bug-out gear would you grab? Where would you go? But, most importantly, what does your team look like? Who would you call on to join you on your quest to navigate the new chaotic world before you?
Criteria for Our SHTF Team
We, at Ballistic, love day dreaming. We also love movies. So obviously we combined the two for this situation and figured out the movie characters we’d want on our SHTF team. For us, it’s all about ingenuity, survival and, yes, being able to put down the crazies and dangerous people lurking in the wasteland formally known as Earth.
You might not agree with all of our choices, but, believe it or not, there was some genuine thought put into this list. For example, we didn’t include James Bond. Why not? Well, the end of the world doesn’t really call for a spy. Granted, Bond manages to find a way out of every bad situation. However, historically, he’s also very good looking. We don’t know how many ladies are going to be around in the apocalypse. We don’t need to be competing with the looks of James Bond for whatever is left in the post-apocalyptic world. He’s going to win every time.
We also restricted the list to “normal” human beings — meaning no mutants like Deadpool or Wolverine and no other-worldly creatures like the Predator. We could see that problem developing before we even started. “Wait, Predator is an alien! That’s not fair!”
Yeah, and none of these characters actually exist, so relax. Why don’t you move out of your parents basement and get a job? Nerd.
Anyway, on to the list itself. We limited it to five characters in total, otherwise we’d be here all day. We’re sure we missed some good ones. Feel free to call us “stupid” and let us know your SHTF team in the comment section below.
Experience in a dystopian wasteland is a good start for our first pick. As a former Special Forces soldier, Snake is as cool and calm as it gets under pressure. He escaped from New York when called upon to save the President of the United States from murderous thugs, and then he escaped from L.A. when Hollywood decided it needed a sequel to make money off a fairly successful first film. We forgive you for that one, Snake.
But as a master of multiple martial arts and a skilled shooter, plus having the ability to navigate an unforgiving and unpredictable SHTF situation, Snake easily makes the cut.
Let’s start with two numbers: 77 and 128. You know what that is? That’s the number of bad guys John Wick has chalked up in “Chapter 1” and “Chapter 2,” respectively. Those are first-ballot hall-of-fame stats. And it’s not like he’s just killing low-level cronies; he’s knocked off his fair share of highly trained killers, too.
With every assassin on the planet gunning for him in “John Wick: Chapter 3” — in theaters May 17, 2019 — we imagine he’s going to break that 100-mark again. Hell, he might even clear 200.
He’s also incredibly meticulous and detail-oriented. Bottom line: When there’s a will, there’s a Wick. He gets it done … with proper shooting form and all.
Let’s go back to that 77 number referenced above; it also equals the number of kills The Bride had in both movies in Quentin Tarantino’s “Kill Bill” series. It’s fair to think of The Bride as the female John Wick. Sure, the kill count isn’t as high, but she takes out a higher caliber of assassins when compared to Wick.
Like several others on our team, she’s an intelligent problem solver. Remember, she was buried alive and found a way out of it.
Also, here’s something incredibly reassuring about someone who can handle a samurai sword should it be called upon.
An all-time classic character. Forget about his 444 on-screen kills, not to mention his 59 confirmed kills in Vietnam. We like Rambo because he is a survivalist. He was a drifter for 10 years after Nam. Put him out in the wilderness with a handful of supplies and he’s good to go … and then he’ll single-handedly destroy an entire town’s sheriff’s department, but remember, “They drew first blood, not me.”
Also, “Rambo V: Last Blood” hits theaters fall 2019. No, we’re not kidding.
“Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the captain of the Ballistic SHTF team: Kyle Reese!”
Reese is an apocalypse baby. He was literally born into a SHTF situation. It’s all he knows. Sure, he eventually gets greased after sacrificing himself at the end of “The Terminator,” but dead or alive, he survived the real sh*t in the post-apocalyptic future. You have to appreciate someone who will sacrifice himself for the good of the team. Plus, his sawed-off shotgun is just a thing of beauty. And sorry for the spoiler about his death, but it’s 2019; if you haven’t seen “The Terminator” yet, you have bigger problems in your life.
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by Will Dabbs, MD / Apr 4, 2019